Team Sober starts Stoptober.

So I'm already in Team Sober. Which, by the way, is only the best thing I've ever done. I have not been filmed peeing up trees, I have not done impressioins of Nelson Mandela, I have not text my Mum at 3am to tell her "I f*cking LOVE BELGIUM", I have not booty called my sister by accident, I have not told ANYONE my middle name is Jesus and I remember shit now. Remembering makes me feel like I'm some kind of Paxman type. All I've done is not drink all the gin.

So, in line with my new found healthy and awesome lifestyle, my friend Dan and I decided to quit smoking. Stoptober. As well as Team Sober. I’m like some kind of Olympian now. (don’t even get me started on my nutrition plan for 2013. It’s mainly seeds and berries)

So anyway. Reasons that Quitting Smoking is f**king awesome

·         I will not sound like Madge out of Neighbours by the time I’m 30. And I won’t look like Harold at 40.

·         I can lean nonchalantly on things when we need to look ‘cool’ – I do not need to have a fag hanging from my mouth. No matter how James Dean I think it is.

·         Invention of iPhones means I don’t need to smoke to kill time anymore. Even if I love smoking to kill time.

·         “5 a day” now actually applies to the fruit/veg thing that Asda is always banging on about.

·         20 fags USED to be £4.00. It is now £7,45 – I checked at lunch time. £7.45 can buy you 2 sets of glitter pens. Which I have done. And have £0.46p spare to give to charity. Or to lose in your desk.

·         My dentist will let me have my teeth whitened again.

·         Dr. L won’t give me NHS leaflets on quitting EVERY time I go in. Instead, he will PRAISE me like he should.... “So Vittoria, how are you doing cutting down on cigarettes?” .. “Oh. Cutting down? I thought you knew? I’m Stoptober. I’ve stopped”... “Oh really? Let me praise you a lot: Well done you (etc etc)” ... “Yeah yeah, just give me the sticker please Dr. By the way, I don’t drink anymore either. Team Sober. You drink. You ought stop mate.”

·         I no longer actually repel people. (I mean dorky people... but still... bonus)

·         Fancy dress is easy in future – grab a cigarette and be a smoker. Cheapest ever fancy dress

·         I no longer need to ask strangers for a light and then worry that I won’t be able to use their complicated lighter and proper embarrass myself.

·         I can patronise other smokers... “Seriously mate... you stink. Do you know that every cigarette cuts 7 minutes off your life? Do you want yellowed fingers? You disgust me.”

·         This is the only instance whereby quitting is OK. Quitting is WINNING in StopTober.

·         I will be more intelligent – I’m aiming to be able to understand and follow at LEAST 7 questions on University Challenge and actually answer at least 4. In your face Paxman

·         I won’t be impotent. The male version of me in the parallel SwapSex universe (who has met Dr.Who) will be relieved for this information.

·         My life insurance policy won’t be affected. Get in. When I fake my own death in a canoe, there will be NO smoking related questions for my poor bereaved family.

·         Being able to kiss all the men and not worry if they saved me as ASHTRAY in their phone because I forgot to chew gum first.

·         Not calling myself a social smoker. I already call myself strawberry blonde – it’s enough to be arguing about.

·         No worries about burning anything down... homes, other people’s homes, trees, general council property that belongs to the world.

·         Not having to NOT have a cigarette for hours on long haul flights.

·         Being in the Olympics 2016.

·         Hiding the fact I haven’t actually quit yet.

Doing It with Men in 2012.


Hmmm... a tad out-dated perhaps?
Re-think:

"When stumbling drunkenly to the bedroom, ensure your tights/stockings are not laddered. Stockings always preferred. IF you are wearing tights please remove in bathroom and in absence of bin throw out window. DO NOT STUFF DOWN BRA. They will be found if he's a hetero man. Tights are never sexy. Undress yourself as best you can without falling over (skinny jeans will pose problems - in this case, advise to undress in bathroom - to underwear levels - there is NO elegant way to undress out of skinny jeans. He may attempt doing this for you but it becomes worse than trying to ROLL on tangled knickers after not drying yourself properly at swimming year 3).  

Whilst smooth legs and non kebab breath are of the utmost importance, your husband / boyfriend / randomer doesn't actually care when he's this drunk. Will he notice? No. If he does? He'll think it's him. (Will he fix it while thinking it's him? No. He's drunk. And a stud, right?).

Don't make him wait for bathroom as he won't hold; he'll piss in the sink instead. Or (and this is from experience) in bed. (Then blame you).

Try to achieve a look that is welcoming and 'glowingly feminine' but not obviously 'made up'... (so HALF remove your make up) : you do not want him awakening to a woman with false nails stuck in her knotted hair extensions, false eyelashes laid out on her sweaty forehead and fake tan on the pillow; this can be quite a shock to a modern day gentleman.

When it comes to intimate relations with your husband / boyfriend / randomer, it's important to remember your commitment to obey him. This is not necessrily regarding sexual shit.  He may well ask for cheese on toast. Or perhaps pasta?  Do it. There's no use in a row at this ungodly hour and if he attempts it, he won't wash up afterwards, the kitchen will be a state and he'll spill salad cream on floor. Also. Tuna in your sink stinks.

If he feels tired and needs to sleep / pass out immediately, then so be it.  Ensure that he is not on top of you, or on a floor / table / outside your flat, and then you can settle on sofa for TV time and biscuits. Maybe call one of your girlfriends for a catch up. Do not get TOO comfortable and do not remove ALL make up. He may want morning relations.

Do not stimulate intimacy if your husband / boyfriend / randomer doesn't want to (hah! - a rare occasion)... in this day an age, there is a name for that and a prison sentence. Yes. Even for women. This is where ‘equality’ has got us.

Should your husband / boyfriend / randomer suggest or initiate ‘congress’ then agree humbly whilst knowing that he'll probably be rubbish due to the fact he's hammered, over ambitious and reckons he's a porn star. You may be in for some bruising. When he reaches 'moment of fulfillment', a small moan is quite sufficient to indicate that you were thinking about Brad Pitt / David Beckham / Bruce Forsythe when really you were wondering if there is enough cheese for his cheese on toast. Oh! And you only have wholemeal. Oh dear. 

Also, depending on how drunk / persistent he is... this 'moment of fulfilment' often will not happen... so if you go in for it, know that you may be there a while.

Should your husband / boyfriend / randomer suggest any of the more unusual practises (I don't mean the usual 50 shades rubbish), depending on how drunk you are you'll probably go along with it thinking you're shit hot. (Don't get me wrong - you most likely are). If not -  vodka by bed for shots of courage is always a bonus.

It is likely that your husband / boyfriend / randomer will fall straight asleep after (or during...it's happened...) so you can adjust your clothing (that means find your knickers without having to do the whole half stepping from bed within confines of duvet thing...), freshen up (that means get up before he wakes to brush teeth avoid morning breath - carry gum if at his house, or use his toothbrush before he's up) and apply your night time face... foundation and see through lip gloss. He awakens to the perfect woman.

Equality is hard ladies. We haven't been dealt a good hand. Now get back in the kitchen. He wants it sliced, not grated."