Team Sober starts Stoptober.

So I'm already in Team Sober. Which, by the way, is only the best thing I've ever done. I have not been filmed peeing up trees, I have not done impressioins of Nelson Mandela, I have not text my Mum at 3am to tell her "I f*cking LOVE BELGIUM", I have not booty called my sister by accident, I have not told ANYONE my middle name is Jesus and I remember shit now. Remembering makes me feel like I'm some kind of Paxman type. All I've done is not drink all the gin.

So, in line with my new found healthy and awesome lifestyle, my friend Dan and I decided to quit smoking. Stoptober. As well as Team Sober. I’m like some kind of Olympian now. (don’t even get me started on my nutrition plan for 2013. It’s mainly seeds and berries)

So anyway. Reasons that Quitting Smoking is f**king awesome

·         I will not sound like Madge out of Neighbours by the time I’m 30. And I won’t look like Harold at 40.

·         I can lean nonchalantly on things when we need to look ‘cool’ – I do not need to have a fag hanging from my mouth. No matter how James Dean I think it is.

·         Invention of iPhones means I don’t need to smoke to kill time anymore. Even if I love smoking to kill time.

·         “5 a day” now actually applies to the fruit/veg thing that Asda is always banging on about.

·         20 fags USED to be £4.00. It is now £7,45 – I checked at lunch time. £7.45 can buy you 2 sets of glitter pens. Which I have done. And have £0.46p spare to give to charity. Or to lose in your desk.

·         My dentist will let me have my teeth whitened again.

·         Dr. L won’t give me NHS leaflets on quitting EVERY time I go in. Instead, he will PRAISE me like he should.... “So Vittoria, how are you doing cutting down on cigarettes?” .. “Oh. Cutting down? I thought you knew? I’m Stoptober. I’ve stopped”... “Oh really? Let me praise you a lot: Well done you (etc etc)” ... “Yeah yeah, just give me the sticker please Dr. By the way, I don’t drink anymore either. Team Sober. You drink. You ought stop mate.”

·         I no longer actually repel people. (I mean dorky people... but still... bonus)

·         Fancy dress is easy in future – grab a cigarette and be a smoker. Cheapest ever fancy dress

·         I no longer need to ask strangers for a light and then worry that I won’t be able to use their complicated lighter and proper embarrass myself.

·         I can patronise other smokers... “Seriously mate... you stink. Do you know that every cigarette cuts 7 minutes off your life? Do you want yellowed fingers? You disgust me.”

·         This is the only instance whereby quitting is OK. Quitting is WINNING in StopTober.

·         I will be more intelligent – I’m aiming to be able to understand and follow at LEAST 7 questions on University Challenge and actually answer at least 4. In your face Paxman

·         I won’t be impotent. The male version of me in the parallel SwapSex universe (who has met Dr.Who) will be relieved for this information.

·         My life insurance policy won’t be affected. Get in. When I fake my own death in a canoe, there will be NO smoking related questions for my poor bereaved family.

·         Being able to kiss all the men and not worry if they saved me as ASHTRAY in their phone because I forgot to chew gum first.

·         Not calling myself a social smoker. I already call myself strawberry blonde – it’s enough to be arguing about.

·         No worries about burning anything down... homes, other people’s homes, trees, general council property that belongs to the world.

·         Not having to NOT have a cigarette for hours on long haul flights.

·         Being in the Olympics 2016.

·         Hiding the fact I haven’t actually quit yet.