Break Up Schedule

Phase	Symptoms	Actions
1 - SHOCK	Crying; texting ex; crying; re-living; guilt tripping him ("you mean more to me than LIFE... And I'm SUICIDAL"); imagining; lack of sleep; lack of food; potential begging; wailing; calling people at 4am wailing; not feeding the cat; pillow smelling; clothes smelling; being a victim; self slapping; looking at doorways and saying "I remember when he STOOD RIGHT HERE. IN THIS VERY DOORWAY" and crying about it. And places you did IT.	Be self indulgent. Family and friend to force feed and listen minus bitching about ex. Let snot fall out your nose - after all, what's a bit of snot when he RUINED YOUR LIFE! After EVERYTHING you did! Always have someone in your flat incase of potential losing the plottiness. Stop looking at the doorway though. LOOK AWAY FROM THE DOORWAY.
2 - NOSTALGIA	Crying; photo looking; re-living; getting angry; jealousy; lack of food; weepy at any songs;  'what if-ing': I.e what if I was blonde, what if I hadn't told him not to wet the bed, what if I was better in bed (PAH!), what if I was a little bit taller (what if I was a baller) what if I I was able to cook carbonara from scratch, what if I had PICKED UP THE TOWEL, what if I had stocked more flavours of desert in the fridge?	Delete ex off Facebook - get in there before he does it to you. Get on Twitter, banter with ALL THE WORLD. Use #alltheothermen and be well funny. Eat all the ice-cream and no vegetables. Go on one date - minus s*x. This is PURELY to boost confidence and be seen out and about, like a gal about town. Do all the exercise - you may meet someone at gym + endorphins are good. Do not look at any photos - get Instagram and take all new photos. Do not throw away photos but consign to LOFT. Get rid of all his stuff. Do not meet him. NO HANDOVERS PLEASE. That's just excuse to see him. Make your Facebook hilarious - YOU ARE A COMEDIENNE NOW. Also - please log out his email now - he won't be emailing WOMEN - he'll be Whats Apping them.
3 - ANGER	Some crying,; face-stalking; drunk angry texting; hating ALL men; playing Alanis Morrisette; kicking male tramps. Because they're poor.	Delete number. Or, if too soon, save as "REALLY? DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?" Make your motto:  "Ask a friend before hitting send" (that rhymes).  Exercise at least twice per week, go out all the evenings (non drinking), go on 2 dates. Do not listen to Alanis. Listen to: Destiny's Child (Survivor, Ind woman etc etc), Little Mix, Spice Girls. Maybe do some spring cleaning, wear a bow round your head and an apron - dressing up is hilarious. Instagram it so it looks old school. That's well fun. Make loads of lists - funny lists. And EMAIL EVERYONE! Stop kicking tramps - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
4 - REBOUND	Dating like Sarah Jessica Parker (a LOT); planning weddings with unknown man; finding any man who will commit; going a bit relationship crazy; denial - i.e. Thinking you're over ex cause you replaced him.	Dump him. He will more than likely be a psycho who takes you to grave yards, sulks if you don't give him 100% attention, send you soppy texts and be the exact opposite of ex. Which is NOT what you want - clearly not your type. Your type is in the middle of ex and new man. STOP KIDDING YOURSELF. This dude's a SAP. Even your EX is better than this. GET OUT OF IT. #alltheothermen
5 - BACK TO BLACK	Facestalking; looking for ex and signs of a new girlfriend (sl*g); 'accidental' texting; standing in a bush outside his house; some crying; lack of sleep; not being able to listen to music; lying on the floor in kitchen because it's dramatic and 'Amy Winehouse'ish; letting mascara be all over your face 'cause that's what they have in the movies; eating things out of tins... with your hands.	Get off the f**king floor please, and wipe your f**king face up. You look RIDICULOUS. Quit drinking. Lie on sofa and watch entire seasons of 24, West Wing, cartoons (recommend Flintstones) and Friends. Follow your friends everywhere - be a tag along. Even just to the toilet. Do not be alone, or horizontal (unless on sofa watching telly). Book up ALL YOUR weekends with friends - even visit the tw*ts you don't like. Hang with ugly people - confidence boost. (I don't expect to see you during this phase as I am pretty as f**k). If you are going to eat  out of tins (totes acceptable) at least re-introduce cutlery. Just a spoon to start with - then work your way up to forks... eventually you'll make it to plates.
6 - BIT LONELY (Holidays)	Moping; sleeping with your laptop in your bed; not even being in bed - sleeping in your lounge with laptop, TV, phone and food all in a 2metre reach from you; crying at Christmas films (like ELF);  lack of food & sleep.	Watch all the moviesl; make Christmas cakes and have a party; go to EVERYONE'S Christmas do; wear mistletoe on a hair bands (if ugly people spot it tell them "Sorry dude...it's just random plant....yeah I wear plant"); knit a Christmas jumper; sh*g Santa Clause.
7 - BEING SINGLE!	Buying new clothes; going out again; laughing; going on dates with not the 100% opposite; getting laid;  pretending to be Beyonce and dancing alone in flat; #'ing EVERYTHING with #alltheothermen; listening to Coldplay without falling on floor crying; not having anxiety attacks; pouting at yourself in mirrors; being well funny.	This is a good phase. Compile a list of all the best bits of being single. EXAMPLES: starfishing in bed; jumping on your bed; eating in bed and rolling in the crumbs; eating oninos and garlic whenever you like - raw if you want - who cares?; not embarassing anyone but yourself when you get in fights drunk or become a rapper; kissing all the men WITH TONGUES;  being a bit podgy; not having to change sheets as often.
8 - THE NEW GIRLFRIEND	Nausea; hot flushes; you're well angry; comparing yourself to ALL THE OTHER WOMEN; hating all the women who look a like her; heart pain; texting him;  LITERALLY dying inside; trying to win him back; attempted suicide by booze.	The worst bit. Date other people; DO NOT look at their Facebook (block them if needed); do not get in fight with girl (be bigger person); do not over-compensate by being all 'nonchalant' and CONGRATULATING them (looks obvious); make all mutual friends like you more than her (buy them ALL THE PRESENTS if needed) .
9 - EX WHO NOW?	NONE	NONE. YOU ARE CURED!