Me: What are you doing naked in my kitchen with all the cupboards open? Have you fucking made TUNA PASTA?
Him: WHAT KIND OF SICK INDIVIDUAL DOESN'T OWN SALAD CREAM?
What you need to understand is, that well, when I met you,I'd have fucked a hole in the floor.
Shall we go cinema? If you pay for your ticket, you don't need to chip in for petrol.... don't get p*ssy, I was going to pay.... but it's not Orange Wednesday. Bad times.
Your hair really does nothing does it... it just ... SITS on your head.
Me: I think I lost some weight
Him: Why? Have you had a hair cut?
Him: Is your boyfriend coming to visit?.
My sister: Er yes.
Him: What can he bench press?
My sister: I dunno? A lot?
Him: I can do more.
My sister: Er. You’ve never met him.
Him: Yeah. I can tell though. I could bench press YOU.
My sister: So can my boyfriend?
Him: Yeah? I could bench press VITT.
Him: I got you a present from holidays!
Me: My first present? Really?!!!
Him: YUP!
Hands me a giant over-sized lighter.
Me: A lighter?
Him: A GIANT lighter Vitt. And that wasn’t your ACTUAL present. My mum saw your actual one and nabbed it before I got here.
Me: What was it?
Him: AN ASH TRAY WITH MY FACE ON IT.
Most girls would feel lucky to wake up and be already doing it with me. So what if you’re asleep? You’re not saying no.
It’s over. Mainly because you didn’t ask my mum which FLAVOUR crème brulee she wanted. And you didn’t pick up her towel off the balcony.
If you want to go out with me, there’s some things you need to know: I only say things of importance once, I blow hot and cold, I loathe commitment, I flirt with women and I like drugs.
I’m just not ready for anything too serious. But the problem is I genuinely thoroughly enjoy having s*x with you more than anyone else. So you see my problem here.
Him: Sorry?
Me: Huh?
Him: Did you say you’re making cheese on toast?
Me: No?? It’s 4am, go back to sleep.
Him: Well now you’re up I wouldn’t mind cheese on toast. Sliced, not grated. Lots of butter.
Me: WTF? F**k off!
Him: And also, it’s weird that you don’t own salad cream.
I’d rather sleep on sofa if we’re not doing it. Means I can watch the telly. I can’t sleep in a room without a telly. Do you just want to do it on sofa? Then I can watch telly after and you can go bed.
I’ll pay you back.
Yeah. I probably did sleep with her. What you have to remember is that when I met you, I would have f**ked a hole in the floor.
I am worried about going to Spain to be honest. What if there are sharks? You'd not be interested if I came back without legs or toes. OR. WHAT IF a really really big shark got the piece??! It doesn't even bear thinking about. I'm sticking to pool. Not sea.
Me: I think I have swine flu
Him: Doubt it.
Me: I really can’t move, I think I have it.
Him: Let’s see how you feel after having s*x?
Go to dr. Confirms I have swine flu
Me: Yeah. Turns out I do have swine flu.
He literally steps back from me.
Him: Do I have it?
Me: Chances are no you’ve been here 5 days and not got it.
Him: Phew. Can you have s*x or should I stay at my mums then?
Him: Are you cooking "carbonara"
Me: Why are you speech marking that?
Him: Huh?
Me: ... do you know how and when to use speech marks?
Him: Er yes. I’m not “thick”.... Don’t patronise me “Vitt”
I can see where you swim. On your legs... then yep, nice, on your bum. But...tummy... really?
He wets the bed. It goes all over me.
Me: WAKE UP. I’m f**king soaking!
Him: huh? What? What time is it?
Me: 4am and I’m covered in p*ss.
Him: God, you are soaked.
Me: I KNOW.
Him: Well... I’m not
Me: BECAUSE YOU’RE NAKED.
Him: Look, I’m no Columbo.. but have you wet yourself?
Me: Are you coming over tonight?
Him: Are you watching the football tonight?
If you’re wearing earrings, it means you want my friends f**k you.
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