Totally TeeTotal

DRINKING.

The Pros and Cons.

When does a bender become a lifestyle?

• Drink is high in calories: calories are high in making you fat. Those evil little ... THINGS... will enjoy sitting in your belly, lining it, FOREVER. And we all know, being thin is better than being fat. If you get too thin, putting on weight is way more fun than losing it. You get to eat all the Mars bars and garlic bread. Together if you want.
• Drinking makes you forget things like an elephant. And also, if you see my point above, you probably will look like an elephant too. Do YOU want to be an elephant? That still has to live amongst humans?
• Drinking makes you lie. “I’m a pilot for Virgin Atlantic – I was in Peru last week flying orphaned children and baby giraffes to safety after a SECRET Earthquake that was TOO dangerous for news to report on... but that’s more a hobby really... my vocation is defending human rights for all mankind and taking food to Ethiopia. On foot.” Err. You make up details you didn’t even knew EXISTED : “yeah, there’s a great little cafe in Peru that we all frequent when there – it’s in the main square?... not touristy at all... my friend Isabella Tarrant used to sleep with the owner, who we ended up bumping into on a street in Rome 3 months later – small world huh?!” Lying isn’t good. Sometimes it’s OK to tell people you work in Marketing, or with numbers. That’s also fun. I mean... I wouldn't EXPAND too much..but yeah... FUN. 
• Drinking makes you cry: stop crying man. You cry if someone’s mean, if someone’s NICE, if someone ignores you, if someone simply doesn’t hear you... You cry if you can’t find your bag, you cry cause you think your fat (stop drinking PINTS), you cry when you realise you’re crying, you cry when you can’t get in places (cause you’re crying), you cry when you get locked in bathrooms, you cry when you’re locked OUT bathrooms, you cry cause you’re lost and don’t recognise surroundings and you cry cause you remembered you forgot to record Eastenders. STOP BLOODY CRYING.
• Drinking makes you be over-truthful. WE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. Don’t tell anyone true things when drunk. White lies are OK. Being sober, polite and ENGLISH about it is OK. B*tch behind backs, not to faces, in Revs, then pushing this girl hater/whore/slag/barman over. Then falling over yourself whilst doing a VICTORY lap cause you ‘won’. NO-ONE IS A WINNER HERE.
• Drinking makes you text exes. That is all. That’s enough on its own to bring back Prohibition.
• Drinking causes vomit. Vomit is manky. And it smells. It makes you look dirty. It gets on the carpet. I know someone who vomited on his BABY last weekend after a wedding. Do YOU want to vomit on your baby? Cause you gotta clean that shit up. With Vanish.
• Drinking causes hangovers. And in order to overcome hangovers you must eat all the food. All the carbs & all the sugar. Now, see point 1. And if you haven’t vomited, that’s ALL INSIDE YOU. Elephant.
• Drinking makes you love people you don’t love: you HUG people you don’t know. This can lead to nits (for a kick off). You may swap saliva with people you don’t love. This can lead to glandular fever. Which is WAY bad man. I had it once and I was well tired all the time. These loving activities can go further. To ‘everything but’ or just straight up doing IT. I’m pretty sure it is not worth it. What if ANY of the above happen during? Do you want to cry in front of them? Do you want to forget all the Peru lies you told them? DO YOU want to vomit on your s*xer’s baby? Do you want to s*x an elephant? I think you ought think about the answers to these questions before doing IT.

Some other questions you ought think about before being a ‘drinker’. Based on ACTUAL TEXTS sent Last Night.

• Do you want to climb on vans, sustaining injuries you may or may not remember?
• Do you want to steal traffic signs and find them awfully funny?
• Do you ever want to have told someone you’re a descendant of the Big Man... GOD?
• Do you like your clothes and want to keep them?
• Do you want to wake up in a car on the Isle of Wight?
• Do you want to wake up with a vending machine in your lounge?
• Do you want to say YOLO a LOT?
• Do you want to do ANYTHING the next day?
• Do you want to s*x someone who is eating a sandwich at the same time?
• Do you want to booty call someone in your pyjamas, then have to hide from their kids in a PANTRY the next morning?
• Do you want to pay to be wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage and have to text a friend “SOS – bring scissors”?
• Do you want to be sent home from work drunk?
• Do you want to have to BLOCK important people from reading your Tweets?
• Do you want to be on YouTube doing a pterodactyl impression?
• Do you ever want your friends to send a text like THIS to your mum: “Come get her ASAP. She’s people bowling. Which is just her ROLLING into randoms. They look p*ssed.”

Yeah. So... I’m just saying. I might give sobriety a try. Cause turns out YOLO just doesn’t cut it as a justification the morning after.