Team Sober starts Stoptober.

So I'm already in Team Sober. Which, by the way, is only the best thing I've ever done. I have not been filmed peeing up trees, I have not done impressioins of Nelson Mandela, I have not text my Mum at 3am to tell her "I f*cking LOVE BELGIUM", I have not booty called my sister by accident, I have not told ANYONE my middle name is Jesus and I remember shit now. Remembering makes me feel like I'm some kind of Paxman type. All I've done is not drink all the gin.

So, in line with my new found healthy and awesome lifestyle, my friend Dan and I decided to quit smoking. Stoptober. As well as Team Sober. I’m like some kind of Olympian now. (don’t even get me started on my nutrition plan for 2013. It’s mainly seeds and berries)

So anyway. Reasons that Quitting Smoking is f**king awesome

·         I will not sound like Madge out of Neighbours by the time I’m 30. And I won’t look like Harold at 40.

·         I can lean nonchalantly on things when we need to look ‘cool’ – I do not need to have a fag hanging from my mouth. No matter how James Dean I think it is.

·         Invention of iPhones means I don’t need to smoke to kill time anymore. Even if I love smoking to kill time.

·         “5 a day” now actually applies to the fruit/veg thing that Asda is always banging on about.

·         20 fags USED to be £4.00. It is now £7,45 – I checked at lunch time. £7.45 can buy you 2 sets of glitter pens. Which I have done. And have £0.46p spare to give to charity. Or to lose in your desk.

·         My dentist will let me have my teeth whitened again.

·         Dr. L won’t give me NHS leaflets on quitting EVERY time I go in. Instead, he will PRAISE me like he should.... “So Vittoria, how are you doing cutting down on cigarettes?” .. “Oh. Cutting down? I thought you knew? I’m Stoptober. I’ve stopped”... “Oh really? Let me praise you a lot: Well done you (etc etc)” ... “Yeah yeah, just give me the sticker please Dr. By the way, I don’t drink anymore either. Team Sober. You drink. You ought stop mate.”

·         I no longer actually repel people. (I mean dorky people... but still... bonus)

·         Fancy dress is easy in future – grab a cigarette and be a smoker. Cheapest ever fancy dress

·         I no longer need to ask strangers for a light and then worry that I won’t be able to use their complicated lighter and proper embarrass myself.

·         I can patronise other smokers... “Seriously mate... you stink. Do you know that every cigarette cuts 7 minutes off your life? Do you want yellowed fingers? You disgust me.”

·         This is the only instance whereby quitting is OK. Quitting is WINNING in StopTober.

·         I will be more intelligent – I’m aiming to be able to understand and follow at LEAST 7 questions on University Challenge and actually answer at least 4. In your face Paxman

·         I won’t be impotent. The male version of me in the parallel SwapSex universe (who has met Dr.Who) will be relieved for this information.

·         My life insurance policy won’t be affected. Get in. When I fake my own death in a canoe, there will be NO smoking related questions for my poor bereaved family.

·         Being able to kiss all the men and not worry if they saved me as ASHTRAY in their phone because I forgot to chew gum first.

·         Not calling myself a social smoker. I already call myself strawberry blonde – it’s enough to be arguing about.

·         No worries about burning anything down... homes, other people’s homes, trees, general council property that belongs to the world.

·         Not having to NOT have a cigarette for hours on long haul flights.

·         Being in the Olympics 2016.

·         Hiding the fact I haven’t actually quit yet.

Doing It with Men in 2012.


Hmmm... a tad out-dated perhaps?
Re-think:

"When stumbling drunkenly to the bedroom, ensure your tights/stockings are not laddered. Stockings always preferred. IF you are wearing tights please remove in bathroom and in absence of bin throw out window. DO NOT STUFF DOWN BRA. They will be found if he's a hetero man. Tights are never sexy. Undress yourself as best you can without falling over (skinny jeans will pose problems - in this case, advise to undress in bathroom - to underwear levels - there is NO elegant way to undress out of skinny jeans. He may attempt doing this for you but it becomes worse than trying to ROLL on tangled knickers after not drying yourself properly at swimming year 3).  

Whilst smooth legs and non kebab breath are of the utmost importance, your husband / boyfriend / randomer doesn't actually care when he's this drunk. Will he notice? No. If he does? He'll think it's him. (Will he fix it while thinking it's him? No. He's drunk. And a stud, right?).

Don't make him wait for bathroom as he won't hold; he'll piss in the sink instead. Or (and this is from experience) in bed. (Then blame you).

Try to achieve a look that is welcoming and 'glowingly feminine' but not obviously 'made up'... (so HALF remove your make up) : you do not want him awakening to a woman with false nails stuck in her knotted hair extensions, false eyelashes laid out on her sweaty forehead and fake tan on the pillow; this can be quite a shock to a modern day gentleman.

When it comes to intimate relations with your husband / boyfriend / randomer, it's important to remember your commitment to obey him. This is not necessrily regarding sexual shit.  He may well ask for cheese on toast. Or perhaps pasta?  Do it. There's no use in a row at this ungodly hour and if he attempts it, he won't wash up afterwards, the kitchen will be a state and he'll spill salad cream on floor. Also. Tuna in your sink stinks.

If he feels tired and needs to sleep / pass out immediately, then so be it.  Ensure that he is not on top of you, or on a floor / table / outside your flat, and then you can settle on sofa for TV time and biscuits. Maybe call one of your girlfriends for a catch up. Do not get TOO comfortable and do not remove ALL make up. He may want morning relations.

Do not stimulate intimacy if your husband / boyfriend / randomer doesn't want to (hah! - a rare occasion)... in this day an age, there is a name for that and a prison sentence. Yes. Even for women. This is where ‘equality’ has got us.

Should your husband / boyfriend / randomer suggest or initiate ‘congress’ then agree humbly whilst knowing that he'll probably be rubbish due to the fact he's hammered, over ambitious and reckons he's a porn star. You may be in for some bruising. When he reaches 'moment of fulfillment', a small moan is quite sufficient to indicate that you were thinking about Brad Pitt / David Beckham / Bruce Forsythe when really you were wondering if there is enough cheese for his cheese on toast. Oh! And you only have wholemeal. Oh dear. 

Also, depending on how drunk / persistent he is... this 'moment of fulfilment' often will not happen... so if you go in for it, know that you may be there a while.

Should your husband / boyfriend / randomer suggest any of the more unusual practises (I don't mean the usual 50 shades rubbish), depending on how drunk you are you'll probably go along with it thinking you're shit hot. (Don't get me wrong - you most likely are). If not -  vodka by bed for shots of courage is always a bonus.

It is likely that your husband / boyfriend / randomer will fall straight asleep after (or during...it's happened...) so you can adjust your clothing (that means find your knickers without having to do the whole half stepping from bed within confines of duvet thing...), freshen up (that means get up before he wakes to brush teeth avoid morning breath - carry gum if at his house, or use his toothbrush before he's up) and apply your night time face... foundation and see through lip gloss. He awakens to the perfect woman.

Equality is hard ladies. We haven't been dealt a good hand. Now get back in the kitchen. He wants it sliced, not grated."

Totally TeeTotal

DRINKING.

The Pros and Cons.

When does a bender become a lifestyle?

• Drink is high in calories: calories are high in making you fat. Those evil little ... THINGS... will enjoy sitting in your belly, lining it, FOREVER. And we all know, being thin is better than being fat. If you get too thin, putting on weight is way more fun than losing it. You get to eat all the Mars bars and garlic bread. Together if you want.
• Drinking makes you forget things like an elephant. And also, if you see my point above, you probably will look like an elephant too. Do YOU want to be an elephant? That still has to live amongst humans?
• Drinking makes you lie. “I’m a pilot for Virgin Atlantic – I was in Peru last week flying orphaned children and baby giraffes to safety after a SECRET Earthquake that was TOO dangerous for news to report on... but that’s more a hobby really... my vocation is defending human rights for all mankind and taking food to Ethiopia. On foot.” Err. You make up details you didn’t even knew EXISTED : “yeah, there’s a great little cafe in Peru that we all frequent when there – it’s in the main square?... not touristy at all... my friend Isabella Tarrant used to sleep with the owner, who we ended up bumping into on a street in Rome 3 months later – small world huh?!” Lying isn’t good. Sometimes it’s OK to tell people you work in Marketing, or with numbers. That’s also fun. I mean... I wouldn't EXPAND too much..but yeah... FUN. 
• Drinking makes you cry: stop crying man. You cry if someone’s mean, if someone’s NICE, if someone ignores you, if someone simply doesn’t hear you... You cry if you can’t find your bag, you cry cause you think your fat (stop drinking PINTS), you cry when you realise you’re crying, you cry when you can’t get in places (cause you’re crying), you cry when you get locked in bathrooms, you cry when you’re locked OUT bathrooms, you cry cause you’re lost and don’t recognise surroundings and you cry cause you remembered you forgot to record Eastenders. STOP BLOODY CRYING.
• Drinking makes you be over-truthful. WE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. Don’t tell anyone true things when drunk. White lies are OK. Being sober, polite and ENGLISH about it is OK. B*tch behind backs, not to faces, in Revs, then pushing this girl hater/whore/slag/barman over. Then falling over yourself whilst doing a VICTORY lap cause you ‘won’. NO-ONE IS A WINNER HERE.
• Drinking makes you text exes. That is all. That’s enough on its own to bring back Prohibition.
• Drinking causes vomit. Vomit is manky. And it smells. It makes you look dirty. It gets on the carpet. I know someone who vomited on his BABY last weekend after a wedding. Do YOU want to vomit on your baby? Cause you gotta clean that shit up. With Vanish.
• Drinking causes hangovers. And in order to overcome hangovers you must eat all the food. All the carbs & all the sugar. Now, see point 1. And if you haven’t vomited, that’s ALL INSIDE YOU. Elephant.
• Drinking makes you love people you don’t love: you HUG people you don’t know. This can lead to nits (for a kick off). You may swap saliva with people you don’t love. This can lead to glandular fever. Which is WAY bad man. I had it once and I was well tired all the time. These loving activities can go further. To ‘everything but’ or just straight up doing IT. I’m pretty sure it is not worth it. What if ANY of the above happen during? Do you want to cry in front of them? Do you want to forget all the Peru lies you told them? DO YOU want to vomit on your s*xer’s baby? Do you want to s*x an elephant? I think you ought think about the answers to these questions before doing IT.

Some other questions you ought think about before being a ‘drinker’. Based on ACTUAL TEXTS sent Last Night.

• Do you want to climb on vans, sustaining injuries you may or may not remember?
• Do you want to steal traffic signs and find them awfully funny?
• Do you ever want to have told someone you’re a descendant of the Big Man... GOD?
• Do you like your clothes and want to keep them?
• Do you want to wake up in a car on the Isle of Wight?
• Do you want to wake up with a vending machine in your lounge?
• Do you want to say YOLO a LOT?
• Do you want to do ANYTHING the next day?
• Do you want to s*x someone who is eating a sandwich at the same time?
• Do you want to booty call someone in your pyjamas, then have to hide from their kids in a PANTRY the next morning?
• Do you want to pay to be wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage and have to text a friend “SOS – bring scissors”?
• Do you want to be sent home from work drunk?
• Do you want to have to BLOCK important people from reading your Tweets?
• Do you want to be on YouTube doing a pterodactyl impression?
• Do you ever want your friends to send a text like THIS to your mum: “Come get her ASAP. She’s people bowling. Which is just her ROLLING into randoms. They look p*ssed.”

Yeah. So... I’m just saying. I might give sobriety a try. Cause turns out YOLO just doesn’t cut it as a justification the morning after.

Sh*t my Ex ACTUALLY said to me. ALOUD

(4am on first night he ever stayed over)
Me: What are you doing naked in my kitchen with all the cupboards open? Have you fucking made TUNA PASTA?
Him: WHAT KIND OF SICK INDIVIDUAL DOESN'T OWN SALAD CREAM?

What you need to understand is, that well, when I met you,I'd have fucked a hole in the floor.

Shall we go cinema? If you pay for your ticket, you don't need to chip in for petrol.... don't get p*ssy, I was going to pay.... but it's not Orange Wednesday. Bad times.

Your hair really does nothing does it... it just ... SITS on your head.

Me:       I think I lost some weight
Him:     Why? Have you had a hair cut?

Him:                Is your boyfriend coming to visit?.
My sister:        Er yes.
Him:                What can he bench press?
My sister:        I dunno? A lot?
Him:                I can do more.
My sister:        Er. You’ve never met him.
Him:                Yeah. I can tell though. I could bench press YOU.
My sister:        So can my boyfriend?
Him:                Yeah? I could bench press VITT. 

Him:     I got you a present from holidays!
Me:      My first present? Really?!!!
Him:     YUP!
Hands me a giant over-sized lighter.
Me:       A lighter?
Him:     A GIANT lighter Vitt. And that wasn’t your ACTUAL present. My mum saw your actual one and nabbed it before I got here.
Me:       What was it?
Him:     AN ASH TRAY WITH MY FACE ON IT.

Most girls would feel lucky to wake up and be already doing it with me. So what if you’re asleep? You’re not saying no.

It’s over. Mainly because you didn’t ask my mum which FLAVOUR crème brulee she wanted. And you didn’t pick up her towel off the balcony.

If you want to go out with me, there’s some things you need to know: I only say things of importance once, I blow hot and cold, I loathe commitment, I flirt with women and I like drugs.

I’m just not ready for anything too serious. But the problem is I genuinely thoroughly enjoy having s*x with you more than anyone else. So you see my problem here.

Him:     Sorry?
Me:       Huh?
Him:     Did you say you’re making cheese on toast?
Me:       No?? It’s 4am, go back to sleep.
Him:     Well now you’re up I wouldn’t mind cheese on toast. Sliced, not grated. Lots of butter.
Me:       WTF? F**k off!
Him:     And also, it’s weird that you don’t own salad cream.

I’d rather sleep on sofa if we’re not doing it. Means I can watch the telly. I can’t sleep in a room without a telly. Do you just want to do it on sofa? Then I can watch telly after and you can go bed.

I’ll pay you back.

Yeah. I probably did sleep with her. What you have to remember is that when I met you, I would have f**ked a hole in the floor.
I am worried about going to Spain to be honest. What if there are sharks? You'd not be interested if I came back without legs or toes. OR. WHAT IF a really really big shark got the piece??! It doesn't even bear thinking about. I'm sticking to pool. Not sea.

Me:      I think I have swine flu
Him:    Doubt it.
Me:      I really can’t move, I think I have it.
Him:     Let’s see how you feel after having s*x?
Go to dr. Confirms I have swine flu
Me:       Yeah. Turns out I do have swine flu.
He literally steps back from me.
Him:     Do I have it?
Me:      Chances are no you’ve been here 5 days and not got it.
Him:     Phew. Can you have s*x or should I stay at my mums then?

Do you fancy coming hospital with me? There's a pizza in it if you do. If you buy the Strongbows?

Him:     Are you cooking "carbonara"
Me:       Why are you speech marking that?
Him:     Huh?
Me:       ... do you know how and when to use speech marks?
Him:     Er yes. I’m not “thick”.... Don’t patronise me “Vitt”

I can see where you swim. On your legs... then yep, nice, on your bum. But...tummy... really?
He wets the bed. It goes all over me.
Me:       WAKE UP. I’m f**king soaking!
Him:     huh? What? What time is it?
Me:       4am and I’m covered in p*ss.
Him:     God, you are soaked.
Me:       I KNOW.
Him:     Well... I’m not
Me:       BECAUSE YOU’RE NAKED.
Him:     Look, I’m no Columbo.. but have you wet yourself?

Me:       Are you coming over tonight?
Him:     Are you watching the football tonight?

If you’re wearing earrings, it means you want my friends f**k you. You think I'm stupid.

Break Up Schedule

Phase	Symptoms	Actions
1 - SHOCK	Crying; texting ex; crying; re-living; guilt tripping him ("you mean more to me than LIFE... And I'm SUICIDAL"); imagining; lack of sleep; lack of food; potential begging; wailing; calling people at 4am wailing; not feeding the cat; pillow smelling; clothes smelling; being a victim; self slapping; looking at doorways and saying "I remember when he STOOD RIGHT HERE. IN THIS VERY DOORWAY" and crying about it. And places you did IT.	Be self indulgent. Family and friend to force feed and listen minus bitching about ex. Let snot fall out your nose - after all, what's a bit of snot when he RUINED YOUR LIFE! After EVERYTHING you did! Always have someone in your flat incase of potential losing the plottiness. Stop looking at the doorway though. LOOK AWAY FROM THE DOORWAY.
2 - NOSTALGIA	Crying; photo looking; re-living; getting angry; jealousy; lack of food; weepy at any songs;  'what if-ing': I.e what if I was blonde, what if I hadn't told him not to wet the bed, what if I was better in bed (PAH!), what if I was a little bit taller (what if I was a baller) what if I I was able to cook carbonara from scratch, what if I had PICKED UP THE TOWEL, what if I had stocked more flavours of desert in the fridge?	Delete ex off Facebook - get in there before he does it to you. Get on Twitter, banter with ALL THE WORLD. Use #alltheothermen and be well funny. Eat all the ice-cream and no vegetables. Go on one date - minus s*x. This is PURELY to boost confidence and be seen out and about, like a gal about town. Do all the exercise - you may meet someone at gym + endorphins are good. Do not look at any photos - get Instagram and take all new photos. Do not throw away photos but consign to LOFT. Get rid of all his stuff. Do not meet him. NO HANDOVERS PLEASE. That's just excuse to see him. Make your Facebook hilarious - YOU ARE A COMEDIENNE NOW. Also - please log out his email now - he won't be emailing WOMEN - he'll be Whats Apping them.
3 - ANGER	Some crying,; face-stalking; drunk angry texting; hating ALL men; playing Alanis Morrisette; kicking male tramps. Because they're poor.	Delete number. Or, if too soon, save as "REALLY? DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?" Make your motto:  "Ask a friend before hitting send" (that rhymes).  Exercise at least twice per week, go out all the evenings (non drinking), go on 2 dates. Do not listen to Alanis. Listen to: Destiny's Child (Survivor, Ind woman etc etc), Little Mix, Spice Girls. Maybe do some spring cleaning, wear a bow round your head and an apron - dressing up is hilarious. Instagram it so it looks old school. That's well fun. Make loads of lists - funny lists. And EMAIL EVERYONE! Stop kicking tramps - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
4 - REBOUND	Dating like Sarah Jessica Parker (a LOT); planning weddings with unknown man; finding any man who will commit; going a bit relationship crazy; denial - i.e. Thinking you're over ex cause you replaced him.	Dump him. He will more than likely be a psycho who takes you to grave yards, sulks if you don't give him 100% attention, send you soppy texts and be the exact opposite of ex. Which is NOT what you want - clearly not your type. Your type is in the middle of ex and new man. STOP KIDDING YOURSELF. This dude's a SAP. Even your EX is better than this. GET OUT OF IT. #alltheothermen
5 - BACK TO BLACK	Facestalking; looking for ex and signs of a new girlfriend (sl*g); 'accidental' texting; standing in a bush outside his house; some crying; lack of sleep; not being able to listen to music; lying on the floor in kitchen because it's dramatic and 'Amy Winehouse'ish; letting mascara be all over your face 'cause that's what they have in the movies; eating things out of tins... with your hands.	Get off the f**king floor please, and wipe your f**king face up. You look RIDICULOUS. Quit drinking. Lie on sofa and watch entire seasons of 24, West Wing, cartoons (recommend Flintstones) and Friends. Follow your friends everywhere - be a tag along. Even just to the toilet. Do not be alone, or horizontal (unless on sofa watching telly). Book up ALL YOUR weekends with friends - even visit the tw*ts you don't like. Hang with ugly people - confidence boost. (I don't expect to see you during this phase as I am pretty as f**k). If you are going to eat  out of tins (totes acceptable) at least re-introduce cutlery. Just a spoon to start with - then work your way up to forks... eventually you'll make it to plates.
6 - BIT LONELY (Holidays)	Moping; sleeping with your laptop in your bed; not even being in bed - sleeping in your lounge with laptop, TV, phone and food all in a 2metre reach from you; crying at Christmas films (like ELF);  lack of food & sleep.	Watch all the moviesl; make Christmas cakes and have a party; go to EVERYONE'S Christmas do; wear mistletoe on a hair bands (if ugly people spot it tell them "Sorry dude...it's just random plant....yeah I wear plant"); knit a Christmas jumper; sh*g Santa Clause.
7 - BEING SINGLE!	Buying new clothes; going out again; laughing; going on dates with not the 100% opposite; getting laid;  pretending to be Beyonce and dancing alone in flat; #'ing EVERYTHING with #alltheothermen; listening to Coldplay without falling on floor crying; not having anxiety attacks; pouting at yourself in mirrors; being well funny.	This is a good phase. Compile a list of all the best bits of being single. EXAMPLES: starfishing in bed; jumping on your bed; eating in bed and rolling in the crumbs; eating oninos and garlic whenever you like - raw if you want - who cares?; not embarassing anyone but yourself when you get in fights drunk or become a rapper; kissing all the men WITH TONGUES;  being a bit podgy; not having to change sheets as often.
8 - THE NEW GIRLFRIEND	Nausea; hot flushes; you're well angry; comparing yourself to ALL THE OTHER WOMEN; hating all the women who look a like her; heart pain; texting him;  LITERALLY dying inside; trying to win him back; attempted suicide by booze.	The worst bit. Date other people; DO NOT look at their Facebook (block them if needed); do not get in fight with girl (be bigger person); do not over-compensate by being all 'nonchalant' and CONGRATULATING them (looks obvious); make all mutual friends like you more than her (buy them ALL THE PRESENTS if needed) .
9 - EX WHO NOW?	NONE	NONE. YOU ARE CURED!

Tickets, Passport, Money!

I walk into work this morning.

Everyone: What are you doing here? 
Me:                Er, I work here?
Everyone:  You’re meant to be on holidays! 
Me:                Yes. Damn. 

I always take the day before holiday off for pre-holiday panicking. Which never gets done on allocated day, I always end up panicking on day of travel instead. But today was meant to be booked off for this:

Tanning; hair un frizzing on an industrial level (that means AUSSIE products, serum AND Frizz Ease); exfoliating not just my face and legs; crying at my body in all the bikins; buying more bikinis; crying at the mirror again; buying new mirrors; running from room to room forgetting what I’m looking for and just looking at other things I forgot about (i.e notes passed around in Geography in 1999); measuring my suitcase then cursing Ryan Air; buying new suitcase; buying towels that are too bright with things like PELICANS on them; losing my passport then finding it again; checking passport a MILLION times to ensure the picture is DEFINITELY me; finding my bat and ball; cleaning all the things in entire house so the house sitter doesn't think I'm below standards; drowning the plants in case the house sitter lies and tells me she came but never does (who's checking right?); digging out things made out of CHIFFON with colourful prints that I wouldn’t be seen DEAD in in Bedford Place; checking in online (whilst again, cursing Ryan Air); reading checking in error messages; avoiding clicking on something Ryan Air will charge me £100 for; finding all the flip flops in all the colours; buying all the books Richard and Judy EVER recommended; buying all the travel sweets; syncing iPod and adding Vengaboys to it; charge all the electrical items I own, as if electricity doesn't exist in the rest of Europe; faff about with memory cards and resolve do just do EVERYTHING on my iPhone; put all the electricals back in the drawer in kitchen that houses electricals, napkins and straws; double/triple/quadruple locking the door - then unlocking it cause I'm not actually leaving today; getting house sitter to do same so I know she knows how to lock/unlock a door.

Then once that 20 mins is over, and I've wrote a list of outstanding jobs (I can just do it all before flight tomorrow)... sit and watch day time telly (House in the Sun?)... Whilst eating ICE CREAM to get me in holiday mood.

Then tomorrow, wake up late, massive panic, shove tickets, passport and money into handbag, leg it to airport... The rest I can buy out there.

Embarrassed Much 1

Went to Zumba last night: really motivated. Denise and I power walk there. “YEAH! ZUMBA! We’re so DOING this! HAVE IT!” type feeling. Sign in. We’re a bit early for our class so sit down for a bit with our backs leaning against the wall outside our studio. Waiting. 5 minutes passes. Waiting. Are our watches wrong? 10 minutes... still waiting. People walking past us giving us odd looks. Hmmm. Odd. 15 minutes I get up to have a look in the room. I notice that Denise and I have been sat LITERALLY UNDER a sign : Zumba cancelled until 26^th . LITERALLY 2 inches above our heads! Sat there like RIGHT losers! Embarrassed much?